Her name was Penny.

I picked her up from a foster home when she was 2 years old. She was staying in the garage, alone, separated from the other dogs. She wasn't spayed and her history was patchy, they knew she came from Texas and her human parents didn't want her anymore. I had just turned 21 years old and was living in my first apartment, which didn't allow dogs, but I was going to worry about that later. My roommate was my sister, she was at work when I picked up the pup. I took her to the store to buy her bowls, dog food, a collar and a leash, then I brought her to my apartment and her new home. I immediately phoned my best friend and she rushed over to meet the new addition. My sister would be home soon and I was only slightly nervous about not mentioning my recent adoption, but I knew once she met her she would melt and fall in love like I did. My assumptions were right about my sister’s reaction. She fell in love instantly and all the stress and worry of our landlord fell by the wayside.

They called her “Penny” but we just couldn't get used to that name. She wasn't a Penny, it wasn't descriptive or alive enough for her, she was the most precious thing I had ever seen! She had the sweetest eyes, most gentle disposition, so grateful and quiet, she wanted to love you and for you to love her. She accepted treats from your hand so considerately with just her front teeth, she was polite, never barked, waited to be invited up onto the couch or outside for a walk.  I had never bonded so quickly with anything in my life. I respected her and I wanted to be around her always. She had such a beautiful and shiny red-brown coat, white fur around her nose with little brown freckles and long white whiskers, the white on her chest representing the shape of a question mark and only one white paw with the rest all brown. She was magnificent, she was not Penny some old rusted, sticky, dirty change that's been cemented in the ashtray of some junked 92’ Cutlass! She didn’t even respond well to Penny, she knew it was bullshit. My sister and I spent the next few days trying to come up with her new name. One day my sister was just randomly blurting out sentences in Spanish, as she often did. When she said “My Ruca”, the pup responded with her ears perked and it was settled. Ruca: (noun)1.Girlfriend. 2. True Love. It was perfect, we threw her old name in the garbage and she was ready for her new life.

She was such a nervous little pup, she would barely eat, I used to drip the grease from my chorizo onto her dry food to get her to even attempt it. I won't ever know what she went through because she can't tell me. I don't think she was beaten, she may have had a litter, although I don’t really think so. Mostly, I just think she was neglected. I assume she was an “outside dog.” I know she lived with a lot of other dogs so I predict she was the last to eat, if she even got to eat at all.

Ruca turns 10 years old this year and in our time together we have moved 7 times, lived in 4 different cites and 2 states. She has been camping in the Arkansas Ozarks, she has kicked up the dusty desert dirt in New Mexico, carelessly frolicked through the snow storms and rainstorms of Chicago, climbed the mountains of Malibu, swam in the Pacific Ocean, jumped in Lake Michigan, and canoed on the Fox River. She is fearless, adventurous, athletic, she is curious and happy, she doesn’t need to impress you, she hates squirrels, she is quiet and calm. Her eyes share a lifetime of love and yet are still concerned. I love her more than anything I can ever fathom loving. She has made me and continues to make me a better person. Her happiness comes before most things in my life. I will always be eternally grateful for her companionship, I know there will never be another like her. 

I am aware of the fact that we all leave this earth at some point and I have been preparing myself, to some degree, for that reality with my pup Ruca. I have never been faced with death too closely and I have never owned a pet through the entirety of its life. I don’t know how to prepare and I don’t know what I will do when shes gone. I am focusing on making sure each day she is with me is a good day for her. I am fairly certain I have given my old girl a good life and I will continue to do so until her last breath. September 2nd, 2007 is the day I took her from that cold garage in Hanover Park, Illinois, our lives were altered extraordinarily for the better and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Why you should listen to more Al Green.

 If you are part of the struggle that is dating, out there in the cold world trying to find “the one” I highly recommend listening to more Al Green, a lot more. His lyrics are beautiful, he preaches the meaning of love. Set your standards higher ladies, real men out there exist, you may have to wait it out a bit and he’s probably not on your Tinder app but that doesn’t mean he isn’t out there. It's not the worst thing in the world to be single, it just gives you more time to listen to Al Green. The words that bellow from the mouth of this man, love cannot have been created before him. 

I don’t understand what the fuck makes us all so insecure these days but it's effecting our lives greatly. The careers we choose to follow, the partners we end up with, our daily fucking happiness and fulfillment! We don’t think were good enough, we are scared of the future, scared of having nothing and no one, so we hold on tight and work hard afraid that life will just slip away. Focusing so intently on one aspect of our lives and completely neglecting the other. Giving each other advise that we should be following ourselves, quit smoking and then gain a binge eating habit. Exchanging one addiction for the next, taking those that care for us, unconditionally, for granted, expecting everything when you are giving nothing. So terrified of your own thoughts you can’t be alone with them, the darkness creeps in and your ears start to bleed. Bending the truth and manipulating your perspective, distorting what you want and sacrificing what you care about because you don’t really even know what that is anymore. Wandering aimlessly, consumed with fear of yourself, you will never face it and will continue your life in costume. Dressed up and disguised as someone else, something people recognize and respect, defending your masked and made up beliefs. 

There is nothing wrong with you. Have you ever thought of that? Human needs are quite simple, we make things complicated for ourselves. Psychological, Safety, Love/Belonging, Esteem, and Self-Actualization according to Maslow’s theory. Psychological and self esteem needs must be met in order to graduate to our remaining level of needs. How can you love another if you do not love yourself? How can you treat another the way you want to be treated if you have low self esteem and treat yourself like shit? Spend more time on things that matter, such as your physical and mental well being, everything else will then fall into place. If you treat yourself and act like a queen then that’s how you will be treated and portrayed by others. Have some class, work hard, be worthy of great company and above everything else listen to more Al Green.

Dear Los Angeles,

Dear Los Angeles,

It's been two years now and I'm still very miserable being with you. All you seem to be able to do is take and take and I have nothing left to give. You build up my expectations higher then I would ever imagine and then you rip the rug of hope out from underneath my feet. You don't believe in Karma, bad things only happen to good people when you're around. Art is no longer an expression or a creation for ones self, it's mocked and exploited at the expense of the young and defenseless.

 You drain any enjoyment of life right out of our souls, you make us addicted to money and fame until we are empty inside. You make us question our worth, doubt our talents, lose sight of the morals we once had. There are too many people here, everyone is busy trying to make it, (where… I don't know) they forget about what matters in life. It's not the who? The what? And the where? You trick yourself into thinking you're doing what you want and that you're happy because you're obsessed, devoted to the attention, the empty promises and fake friendships. 

You have no self respect, your character is flawed I hate almost every single thing about you. You are the poorest excuse for a city I have ever met, I pray every single day that I do not end up like you. The phony, favoritism, cliquey, cliché, bullshit, your “city” has the personality of my high school and I fucking hated my high school.  “It's not what you know, it's who you know” yea let's build a city based on talentless assholes that just do each other favors and trade awful sitcom ideas and movie remake budgets, because no one has any good ideas anymore. You have ruined film forever, art is dead, everyone here is living in a goddamn fantasy land. I know when I leave your heart will keep on beating, your fame and success will continue to soar, my existence will have had no effect on you- and as time passes I will forget all about you too. 

Sincerely yours,