Live Without Regret.

I’ve had this burning in the pit of my stomach all week. Something different is in the air around me. When I walk outside I can smell it, it makes the hair on my arms stand on end. There is an awareness I’ve developed unknowingly and it hasn’t made me hate the world or want to move away from everything. Actually quite the opposite. I long for togetherness, community, family, growth. Walking coldly past my neighbor, bumping and pushing through the crowd at the grocery store, that isn’t life. The days, weeks and years fly by and before you know it, it’s time to go. I will not hesitate, I’ve seen too many idled by fear and I won’t. My life is short, I’ve seen death and despair, hunger, fraud, poverty, neglect, abuse, wealth, love and rage. I’ve been treated badly and I’ve played the villain. This life has grounded me and made me strong, I have not lost one ounce of myself and I will live without regret. 

There are too many lost souls, chasing their own tails. Treating others badly because they have given in. Low self esteem with high standards, sky high dreams and no drive. The reality of what is needed to be happy in this world is very simple, yet it's been distorted and manipulated into an unattatinable, unreachable and unrealistic goal. I wish the world the best, I wish each person I have met complete happiness and success. I haven't set out to change the world, I just want to enjoy it.

 

The La La Land Series

Hollywood Peaked

The roads are congested with ignorance. 

Common sense does not apply.

My blood is too hot for this town.

My gut and my hands say to go.

Hollywood has peaked.

We’ve missed it.

There is no point in staying.

Washed up old soap opera actors,

Reality TV stars, Dub step,

And pop song remixes.

We live with the Justin Biebers.

Real art is far too outnumbered here.

Modesty doesn’t exist.

Shout your name from the rooftops.

You must.

And its true.

Just another freak in the freak kingdom.

This place is full of sociopaths,

Retired narcissistic rockstars who won’t quite let go.

Bragging and begging to be remembered and noticed.

So scared of being forgotten,

And they will.

Its sad really, you feel badly.

But only for a moment.

No one grows up.

No one grows old.

The only thing anyone is really good at,

Is thinking they are good at things.

She has the elements of a city,

Without the people of a city.

Entitlement radiating from the streets,

This desert heat making it stink.

Insecurities coming up through the gutters.

I have to get out before I’m buried in this waste.

I've Won the War

A female human being, expressed to me her desire to get an eyelash perm. What is an eyelash perm you ask? It is the process in which you pay a person to bend you eyelashes with chemicals, creating a semi permanent curled look. She explained to me that her eyelashes were just too straight, so she thought what the heck I’ll give it a try! I could tell she hadn’t done her research, she wasn’t even sure of the whole process. “They like put some glue or something and then the chemicals they use for a perm on you hair I guess….” The chemicals for perming your hair are made of - can also be used as a jewelry cleaner. You are going to risk your eyesight in order to have permanently curled eyelashes?

Electric perms, eyelash extensions, hair extensions, Botox, fucking eyelash perms! This world is too far gone, it can’t be saved its integrity has evaporated along with all the water in Los Angeles. If you try a little harder maybe your friends will like you more and your boyfriend wont look at other girls, MAYBE but only if you look perfect. 

Los Angeles isn’t a place you get used to and it isn’t a place that takes you a while to settle into. It’s a place that defeats you, you’re still here after 8 miserable years because you’ve given up, you quit having feelings. I just can’t bring myself to understand the allure of this city, it’s a piece of shit that breeds ignorance, indifference, self involvement and low self esteem. To die in Los Angeles would truly be my worst nightmare. It’s exhausting, the mask you have to wear to fit in is too tight for my face. Stop trying so hard to be what you think they want, quit lying to yourself, you don’t even remember why you started this journey you’ve lost yourself in this city. 

I refuse to waste anymore of my precious moments in this disgrace of a city. I’ve lost too much already, I have lost the battle but I will win the war.   

Mannequins

Anger and frustration have faded into whiteness

Abandoned by hope.

Waiting.

Scraping and scratching at nothing with no results

Never felt quit so much nothing

Common decency, respect for other humans

Morales, etiquette, honesty. 

Lost and forgotten

Living in a place full of mannequins

Returned to the factory for being defective 

Have washed up on the shores of California

Somehow come to life and procreated 

Nothing to stand for 

Brain function limited

Driving around in a Leased Mercedez Benz

Unable to live and operate as a true human being

Yet no one will notice.

Keep them on the west coast

They can have it.

Shave That Dog and Teach it to Hunt!

I was driving down Weddington Street last week when I saw some folks doing what I assume was this Cross Fit stuff. There was a lady jogging with a huge medicine ball resting on her shoulder, holding it in place with her left hand. There was a guy jogging in the opposite direction doing the same thing, both just pouring sweat. The street was crowded with kids going to and from school, people walking their dogs, homeless folks. I started thinking about all those National Geographic magazines and documentaries you see about tribes in Africa and South America. Those ladies with the huge buckets of water on their heads, plus their baby tied to their backs, plus they’re washing clothes in the river. The men are out in the forests without shoes, nothing but some kind of loincloth covering their goods and a spear they sharpened out of wood. Knowing they must come back with some huge dead animal or their families and their entire tribes will not eat. 

Hunters and Gatherers is what we are – survivalists, right? Restaurants, grocery stores, farmers markets, butcher shops, food is no longer a luxury. We pay for gym memberships and personal trainers to keep in shape, we fight the urge to sit on our assholes watching tv or on our computers or playing video games. We pay people to show us how to bend, push, pull and carry our bodies with added weights. Rock climbing, marathons, skiing, kayaking, and camping. We crave movement, challenging our bodies the way our jobs and daily activities no longer require. Resembling the actions our bodies were originally made for when we did such things as hunting and gathering. 

Our jobs aren’t about surviving anymore or at least not the same way as the tribesmen. We sit, we stand, repetitive motions, we talk, we send emails, we answer the phone. Our brains are stretched and broadened every day, we are balancing the physical and mental aspects of our careers regularly. There is something in our brains as human beings that tells us periodically we need a break, a “vacation”. The afternoon off of work, the whole day, the weekend. We call in sick, we take mental health days, we plan a week long trip to Cabo in June. We need it, we need to look forward to it, we need to have time free from our regular demands. I remember as a kid my mom would sing this song she wrote titled “I don’t have to work tomorrow!” We thought it was hilarious, she would just repeat those words over and over in a rhythmic form every time she had the day off. My mom worked like a dog. I didn’t know then the tune she was singing but I’ll tell you today I catch myself singing along to it often. 

I really enjoy what I do, I have a very easy schedule, I work in a great environment, I love my clients enjoy my co workers but I still look forward to that day off. Watch that clock on the wall waiting for 6pm when I can be “free”. Maybe it’s some innate thing instilled in us, that leftover “Get me the fuck outta here” from high school. We’ve evolved past our natural instincts, we’ve adapted to our new environments, careers, families and technologies. As a race, we are expanding and growing constantly. We vacation in the tropics sitting outside away from our phones cut off from the world, our jobs, no schedule, just quiet. We relieve stress at the gym lifting, pushing and pulling, on a treadmill running to emulate our bodies natural need for movement. We’ve evolved.

Miseducation and The Lack of Self Esteem.

The image of a super model has always been tall, thin, long legged women, height ranging between 5’10 - 6’2  and weighing between 90 - 120 lbs. Any Victoria’s Secret model or fashion magazine you pick up (Glamour, Vogue, W) will show proof of these requirements. These unrealistic physical characteristics seem to seep into the minds of young women breeding insecurity and emotional trauma well into their adult lives. Its this deep-seated obsession, implanted in us to think we have to be anorexic in order to be beautiful. How has this become the physical goal for women? How can we be so easily influenced? What is this “pressure from society” that is all consuming, this perfect body image? We are so insecure as women. 

Then theres the whole flip side of the situation, why aren’t there more plus size models?? 

Tess Holliday 5’5 and a size 22, makeup artist in Los Angeles, has signed her first modeling deal. She is a “feminist” (of course) and she has started the #effyourbodystandards movement and they call her a “Body Positive Activist.” How is this different? So now the requirements to be a model are you have to be 90lbs or 300lbs? This nation is fucking ridiculous. First of all, you are not starting a movement, you simply write a blog and someone is paying you to sell clothes to other fat girls. Because she isn’t 90lbs, she’s a fucking hero! What about heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, cancer? Are we throwing in the towel on health concerns? Setting a new example for the youth that its fine to eat fast food and you don’t have to exercise or ever push yourselves because society says its ok. We need to be teaching our youth to be healthy and active, be grateful for having movement of your limbs and be living without disease. Leading by fucking example. It’s time to acknowledge the actual problem, the lack of mental health care support in this country and the miseducation of physical fitness.

Mental health is one of the biggest problems in this country yet for some reason, is the most ignored. We cannot blame these insecurities, diseases, food addictions, body image obsessions on the fashion and entertainment industry alone. That’s the easy way out. It’s much easier to support a corporate created feminist movement then to face the demons in our own minds. Perhaps our parents infused these insecurities into us growing up. And maybe the Kohls catalog that comes in the mail every Friday may always be full of smiling, thin women. And yes, the skinny cheerleader in high school did call you fat that one time. Regardless, we should be capable and mentally confident to face the challenges we encounter without following or giving  in to the “acceptance” of being over weight and unhealthy. 

When I was in high school I think my gym teacher was also the drivers ed teacher…We could start there. Physical Education in school needs to be taken more seriously. Teach our children the difference and benefits of cardio and strength training and how to eat a balanced diet. Ingrain it in them as they grow, maybe they mature into secure people with a grasp on how to live a healthy lifestyle. Hire nutritionists and trainers, physical therapists - I mean, our math teachers aren’t also serving us lunch!

Corporate companies are targeting the insecure to make a profit, and its working! However, the Dove company does not care about your health or mental well being, they only care about selling more soap. Tess Holliday and Lane Bryant #imnoangel aren’t trying to encourage you to become a model. They don’t care about your physical health or your mental health. In fact they are banking off of your insecurities and ignorance. These are corporate companies selling clothes. This is simply a new marketing technique, nothing more.

In the defense of fashion I can see the visual aspect, a tall slender figure most accurately displays the designers art form. A blank canvas in a sense, nothing distracting or taking away from the focal point. For the same reason, they don’t have voluptuous supermodels either. They desire and seek out that boring, straight form for the purpose of not intruding on the fashion. This form shouldn’t cause young girls or even women to feel insecure, it’s a display rack.

Super models will always be thin and young girls will always have eating disorders and we can go around and around blaming one on the other. Or, we can change the pattern. We can’t control Hollywood but you can educate yourself - don’t be controlled or so easily swayed. Just because Starbucks markets their new coffee drink as a protein drink doesn’t mean it’s a post workout drink. Look how many years it took everyone to learn that Vitamin Water is just another sugary juice drink. No Shit! Take control, if you want to feel good about yourself , if you are struggling with body image insecurities, try being proactive. Join a gym, see a therapist, don’t feed into this we care about you, #imnoangle money making corporate bullshit scheme, its for the birds. We as women shouldn’t have time to be insecure, you are beautiful and all powerful and you only need to prove it to yourself.

The Collapse of Appreciation.

Today I was leaving work, threw out the trash, put my bag in the car and was turning left onto Colorado Blvd. Glancing at my gas tank on E, while simultaneously passing the only two gas stations (on the same corner) before the expressway entrance. I swore to myself a bunch then kept on driving, squinting hard, to encourage my visual memory to tell me there was another gas station up ahead. I really didn’t feel like having to turn around dealing with all these awkward corners and gas station parking lots. Everyone getting off work, rushing and cutting people off as if its their last day on earth. Unfortunately that’s everyday driving in Los Angeles. So anyway, I come over a slight hill passing Target on my left and what could be a sign for a gas station begins to come into view. As I approach, it becomes more clear that it indeed is! What throws me a bit is the fact that it is also a giant car wash and there is a sign just above the word “Gas Station”, that reads “ Full-Service.” I am not sure what this means, I was born in 1986 and my entire existence as a human I have never seen a full service gas station. Not even in the smallest towns down south I have driven through. I pull in following the arrows as directed, I turn off my car, proceed to get out and pump, when a man approaches me and asks cash or credit? I answer him and he begins to pump my gas. Well now I’m standing there awkwardly with my car door half open and my credit card in my hand, not entirely sure what is happening. I cautiously and attentively sit down on my drivers side seat, keeping the door ajar, just in case I need to do something. This very kind gentlemen who has already blown my mind by pumping my gas for me, is now cleaning my windows. I’m not talking like the homeless folks  in Chicago, that wait for you at the 290 exit ramp with dirty newspapers for towels, and god know what in a spray bottle, and without your permission start aggressively smearing your windows in hopes of a tip. I’m talking if there were a college specifically dedicated to car windshield cleaning, this man graduated with a masters degree. He even had a little tool in his pocket to scrap the dirt or poop chunks off the glass, he did his job with such grace and perfection. The nozzle clicked as he was finishing up the back window, he hung it back up closed the gas tank door and gave me my total. I signed for my gas and just so happened to have a couple bucks cash in my wallet so I folded it and handed it to him along with my receipt. He looked at the bills I had just handed him and looked at me in disbelief, a large smile creeping across his face. “Oh, Thank You!” he said with total surprise. I asked him about the carwash prices “tomorrow is $1.00 off”  he says. Safe to say that’s where I will be tomorrow and hopefully I can see my friend again. 

There is no better feeling in the world than appreciation, be it from a friend, a co-worker, boyfriend, wife, sister, cousin, parent, customer. We are so quick to take things for granted, we are so undeserving. I have been to many restaurants or bars where I get the receipt and there is a tip line and I think to myself “Why?” These self serve, seat yourself, order at the counter places that keep popping up everywhere, why am I tipping you for bringing my food to my table. I’d rather be tipping the cook back there doing the work, or the busboy that’s cleaning up my mess.  The man that pumped my gas and cleaned my windows restored my faith in humanity. If only for an hour or a day, until some ungrateful asshole takes it away again, at least its something. I will take working hard for something any day, it’s a irreplaceable feeling to earn what you have. Appreciating what you have, because you worked hard for it, not because someone just gives it to you. Having the patience to wait for your dream, pay your dues, climb the ladder as they say. Doing your job well and better than your co-workers because you are better than them, a better person - any asshole can do the bare minimum. Those with integrity, those who are honest and those that work hard, that’s who I want to be around. And I’m not tipping these other dicks for doing nothing.

The Fallacy of Facebook.

Facebook has become a place where we can pretend to be who we wish we were. Good parents, the perfect couple, world travelers, artists, activists, feminists, animal rights activists, athletes. Social media in general is a blessing and a curse, it’s addictive, its corruptive and its 90% bullshit. The thin fabric of self reassurance through lies -  if you post it then it must be true. We won’t change the world through Facebook, we cant raise our children through Facebook, we aren’t going to change anyones political views, I can barely use Facebook to share a blog! 

For a long time I avoided all social media, it was overwhelming and narcissistic in my mind. It hasn’t taken long for the bitterness and empty time wasting suckage that is Facebook, to creep back into my world. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite, using Facebook to share my blog with an article about the fallacy of Facebook… Maybe. I like the irony of it though.

You should be who you are, do what makes you happy, be a good person regardless of who’s watching. Stop worrying so much about capturing the photo of the moment just being in the moment should be enough. It’s sad that we need all that attention and praise, it must be lacking in our lives. What happened to us? Before 2004 what did we do with our time, how did we share our vacation photos and did we take photos of our lunch? The next time you are about to share a post on Facebook, ask yourself does anyone care? Or what else could I be doing with my time right now? Write your own quotes, be a good friend or sister or parent or whatever you are, be it in real life, don’t let Facebook take over guys, we got this!

The American Dream

The American dream isn't exactly what it used to be. Job security, a white picket fence, two kids, health insurance and a retirement package aren't what I am after these days. What I am after is being able to make a living doing something I love to do, something that challenges my creative talents and my intellect. Sure, all those other things would be nice but I don't need them like I do the latter. I've thought many times about going back to school and getting a degree in something that brings more stability and reliability say – maybe a Veterinarian Technician, I love animals. Then I picture myself in scrubs working everyday 9-5 having to tell people their pets are sick and I just can't do it. Sometimes I wish I had a different outlook on life, that I could work a job only because it pays well. Live nice and comfy, never have to worry about paying bills on time or planning for vacations, bur I just can't find the point in that. 

I truly and completely feel if you keep at whatever it is you love, you will only find success. When you're happy and perusing a passion you believe in and admire, you will only be greeted with accomplishment. There aren't always degrees or universities out there to teach you what you need to know or guide into the direction that's right for you. I've never taken to a classroom, I learn much more from travel, people, dogs, food, nature, beauty, weather, history. My life is my university I'm not necessarily looking for the end, just trying my best to enjoy the journey. It's difficult to think you are following the right path when you can't make your car payment and you don’t feel you've made any financial progress, but it’s important to set goals and follow through. You must have discipline and self motivation, work with no end in sight, work to attain your goals and keep going. 

Embrace the struggle, hold onto the chaos, take comfort in the fact that one day we will look back and laugh. These gray and rainy patches of our lives that visit somewhat often, cannot last forever. If we are lucky enough to have found someone to walk next to in this strange world, we should be grateful and remember through all the bullshit, in a way, we have already made it. Friends, family, pets, relationships, that’s what will get us through the cruel torturous pranks our environment will play on us, well that and alcohol. It isn’t going to be easy and if it is you should be worried.